Hosanna.

Two blogs in one day. I have a lot of feelings.

There is a line in Hosanna where Hillsong sings "break my heart for what breaks yours".
I always thought I understood this line.  But understanding and actually living it is absolutely different.
I cry. But I don't know why.  Because there are so many reasons.
And then I am angry. Because it is not fair.  I am so confused.
And then I feel guilty. Because I don't deserve to feel at all.
So then I feel nothing.
I start to put myself back together.
And then there are little things. Here and there. That pushes me over. That breaks me.
And I fall apart all over again.

I hurt because she is hurting.
I cry because I know she is crying.

I wonder if God cries too when He sees her cry?
Does His heart break when He sees how broken all of us are?


John 14:1-4 NIV
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."

Home.

Sorry! It has been one month since I have been in Thailand and I am finally putting up another post. I find myself apologizing a lot on this blog. Sorry again.
It has been a terrible terrible first week of school, which of course carried into the next week, and will probably be a terrible third week also.  But this is another story for another blog.
Aside from this, I miss Thailand so very much. I miss the people. I miss teaching them, seeing their faces, talking to them, and learning from them.
It's strange that these people, who I only spent a month with, who I could not even communicate with at certain times, got to know me better than some people who I have known all my life.
It's funny because one of the students asked to be my best friend.  And I said no because I said that you have to know someone longer before you can become their best friend. But knowing someone longer doesn't necessarily mean that you know them better.
I also said no because I felt like the students were putting me on a pedestal.  And I felt guilty. I didn't want them to think I was someone who I knew I wasn't, and then want to be a best friend of this person who did not exist.  I've made so many mistakes, have so many flaws.  I told them this.  And one of the student's told me that everything I do, I should do it because I love God.  I could be this person.  I am this person when God is the reason.  Only through God.  They already knew this.  They knew me.
It's strange that in Thailand, where I had no money, did not live like I did in the US, knew no one at first...was one of the most happiest I have ever been.  NBS became my home.